If It Doesn't Kill Us It Makes Us Stronger
Chapter 26: Selfish
Life with Rosella was absolutely picturesque. I would cook veggie burgers for us on the backyard grill and we'd eat them outside as the sun began to set. She was my light.
I was caught off-guard when she approached me. She was incredibly straightforward. I knew we weren't perfect, but I wasn't expecting this. "Logan, this just isn't working. I don't feel the way I used to with you. I always thought of you as my best friend, my partner in crime, but recently we've grown distant. We've been together nearly six years now and I sense that you're getting bored. I still love you with all of my heart, but I only feel a fraction of the love I've once felt from you. I know part of your heart is with Robyn now, isn't it? Perhaps most of it had always been longing for her and I just helped fill the void until she returned to your life."
I didn't even try denying it. One of my favorite things about Rosella was how she sometimes knew me better than I knew myself. I really hadn't grown since high-school. At that time it was Jaz, now it was Rosella. I couldn't believe that out of my own selfishness, I placed my desires before Rosella's. I had been seeing Robyn more and more.. We didn't fool around or anything, but maybe that's what made it worse. I feel like Rosella could've forgiven me if I just had a fling with someone and it didn't mean anything. She could tell it was deeper than that, I was being emotionally unfaithful.
Life with Rosella was absolutely picturesque. I would cook veggie burgers for us on the backyard grill and we'd eat them outside as the sun began to set. She was my light.
I was caught off-guard when she approached me. She was incredibly straightforward. I knew we weren't perfect, but I wasn't expecting this. "Logan, this just isn't working. I don't feel the way I used to with you. I always thought of you as my best friend, my partner in crime, but recently we've grown distant. We've been together nearly six years now and I sense that you're getting bored. I still love you with all of my heart, but I only feel a fraction of the love I've once felt from you. I know part of your heart is with Robyn now, isn't it? Perhaps most of it had always been longing for her and I just helped fill the void until she returned to your life."
I didn't even try denying it. One of my favorite things about Rosella was how she sometimes knew me better than I knew myself. I really hadn't grown since high-school. At that time it was Jaz, now it was Rosella. I couldn't believe that out of my own selfishness, I placed my desires before Rosella's. I had been seeing Robyn more and more.. We didn't fool around or anything, but maybe that's what made it worse. I feel like Rosella could've forgiven me if I just had a fling with someone and it didn't mean anything. She could tell it was deeper than that, I was being emotionally unfaithful.
I had failed her. I had failed us. Everything was perfectly fitting together. Everything was going so well. I was disgusted with myself. Why couldn't I have just been honest, at least with myself? I feel like my fatal flaw is that I'm a screw-up. I know that eventually I'm gonna make a mistake and ruin something amazing. So, rather than allow myself to live, constantly fearing when I'm going to mess up, I do it on purpose. That way I know what went wrong. That way I am somehow in control of the misfortune that follows. I can then live with the belief that I knew I was messing up, rather than just fail accidentally and always wonder.
"I imagined us getting married, having children, and growing old together".
She remained strong. She took a deep breath, tears stinging her eyes, and said,
"I did too, Logan. I did too".
I think I'm most sad about this couple not working out. T_T
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